princessinw8ing's Blog

My heart has been racing, I can feel it thumping so hard in my chest like it's trying to break out. This has been going on since I unexpectedly got sick earlierthis morning. After I got sick I went and layed on the bed, on my left side in hopes that this would relax me a bit and alleviate the tachycardia. More than half an hour later I can still feel it thumping away all the while I lay calm and still. I had been waiting for the local store to open up since I realized I ran out of cat food for the first time in almost EVER! For real, I haven't ran out of cat food in a LONG time. I alwayz make sure I'm ahead not behind. I'd rather have more than needed on hand than to not have enough. Speaking of enough=enough about the cat food. Oh I'm getting so nauseous now......uhggg. So I then thought I heard someone (whom I haven't seen in quite a while) yelling my name outside (although the stereo was on as well as the a/c which has gotten considerably louder lately?) although I'm more than likely highly mistaken since they weren't there when I went down. The window's are closed too, so it must've been the neighbor yelling about something. Anyway, I proceeded on to the store. Tomorrow's payday so all I have left(luckily) are some singles and a bunch of quarters. I grabbed a half gallon of milk this time instead of a gallon because it's all I could afford. I've been eating Frosted Mini Wheats for over a year now. Actually, that's all I've eaten for the past year and a half atleast. At first it was the only thing I had a desire for and could keep down sometime's. Then it just made sense because I couldn't afford anything else and I didn't mind it at all. It's only been about the past 2 weeks I've been thinking about all this because I thought about a bagel, salad and something else I don't recall off hand. Though the doctor did tell me last week that I have to start eating other foods. Anyways I put the half gallon on the counter and gestured to him for 1 pack (instead of the regular 2) of cigarette's. I had been shaking and just wanted to get out of there. This store is a semi-large bodega. The music is cranked up way high, everything was just too loud around me. Even though I could still hear my heart beating in my ears, there were 3 different conversations going on around me with about 8 or 9 people talking. Some speaking spanish and some english. I understand both pretty much but still. OMG!!! I felt like I was instantly crazy. I think my panic disorder kicked back in because all I wanted was out of that store FAST. He then tells me all loud (like he expected that I knew and I thought he was just confused) that it's more money. I explain and add and show him 2 more times before he tells me that the cogarettes went up from $7 per pack to $10 per pack. Luckily another customer corrected him because they're $9 now, NOT $10. I'm used to this happening to me anyhow. A known drug user and theif whom I don't associate with (which bothers her still) happened to come in to the store a few minutes prior to all of this and yells out to me"it's July 1st." Well today has a very special meaning to me (not that any of them knew this) but aside from that I'm thinking "I'm well aware of the date AND the fact that I'm more than likely having a heart attack here or headed that way" the cigarette's went up today! HOW WAS I TO KNOW? I can't watch the news, I don't have cable because I can't afford it! I don't buy the paper, I can't afforf it. I don't have a phone so either since I can't afford it and I've no one to talk to on it anyway. HOW WAS I TO KNOW THEY WENT UP? I think I found out about the oil spill here on EP! I do have a small TV that's 29 years old. It has the turn dial, knobs and the old coxial cable piece with the 2 prongs that go under the screws to connect the tv to cable wire! Haha...but I love this TV! She has been very good to me! She's my lifeline in a way!lol! I can get PBS 13 to come in beautifully when I work with it a little. That's the only channel that comes in at all. So sometimes I hear things that have happened in the world on the 1 British News broadcast that they show. And I can't forget about my Saturday night line up! British Comedy! Ahhh, I LOVE that! I love Hyacinth!lol! "Keeping Up Appearances." I love the entire line up. And they have great shows and documentaries throughout the week as well. I'm so not materialistic but simple little things as a landline phone and cable to watch a little TV sometimes would really perk me up! It really doesn't take much to make me happy at all. Then again it never did. I alwayz went for silver over gold. A movie at home, snuggled up together on the couch rather than spending money at a theatre. I feel so cut off from the rest of the world. Living smack dab right in the middle of all that's going on around me but nothing going on with me. Not enough to go around?ah....So anyway's back to that store! Arrgghh! I was crying at this point because the chest pains had now started and I was feeling very embarassed infront of all these people in the store. I was dropping my change because I was shaking so bad, and thump, thump, thump in my ears PLUS the blaring music that was playing. So the older lady I mentioned earlier yells out "well see...you shouldn't be smoking anyway with your heart device. Look at her, she's going to have a heart attack and drop dead right here in front of all of us" This only upset me more and I was having trouble breathing as it was without crying harder making it worse on my breathing. Here I was already shaking and having heart trouble and had gotten sick before I had even entered that store. Then I get there, music's on full blast, conversations going on, everything SO LO UD= utter chaos and total confusion! I'm crying, I'm shaking, I'm rushing to try and get out of there as quick as possible. Did I NEED to hear her rudeness? Did I DESERVE her rudeness? Did her rudeness HELP ME or contibute to my already failing health? She was totally uncalled for. I swear I try never to pass judgement but I'm talking about my life here. LITERALLY, living or dying. I swear some people are just so insensitive. Actually a lot of people are insensitive I've noticed. Yes there are some wonderful people in the world. Of course. There has to be a balance, an opposite- right? I'm just speaking the truth, being a huge fan of it myself. So, I got no Milk. I went to the other store and bought cat food and here I lay hungry...my heart still racing and it's been a few hours now. I have no time left on the cell to call the doctor. Next time the electric goes out I can't waste my phone time calling a ****lord who doesn't care. I'm still shaking so bad. Perhaps from not eating the past few days. But my heart racing like this? Still?! Is the AICD/pacemaker doing it's job? I couldn't believe how dumb I am when I found out from the doctor the reason why I urinated on myself (so embarrassed) when I passed out in the hallway a week ago when the neighbor refused once again to put the electric back on. I had an episode. I went into cardiac arrest. There's a chip inside my device that records every therapy that the device delivers to my heart. That's how the doctor knows, they read the data off the chip. I just happened to be "lucky" that the AICD did it's job and I came back to on my own. (This is why I worry about living alone and being alone all the time) Sometime's you still require CPR and an extra jump. Otherwise I wouldn't be here typing this right now. I yelled out for help when I got dizzy and went down. He told me to drop dead. Ha...and so I did temporarily!lol! I never did like being told what to do! Lol..heheh....I really do wonder sometimes if I've even got a chance. Will I even make it much longer? There's just too much B.S. Happening at once. I don't have a clue where my new and improved positive attitude came from but I do know I'm gonna hold on to it for dear life.......*GIVE SOMEONE A NICE HUG TODAY* ;)My mood: a bit sick

Earlier this morning I had resolved to be positive, take responsibility for my life: how I'm living it, reacting to it and arrive at a much needed peaceful existence. I went to my Doctor appointment and ran all of this by him. He was in complete favor of this positive attitude which (at this point) is vaguely familiar to him. So......as he was evaluating my thumb, he inquired about what had happened/is happening. Of course I started crying (had already been shaking-nothing new for me these days) which embarrassed me beyond belief! Results: Broken thumb as I had suspected. So he referred me to the ER to have it set properly. He was eXtremely concerned with my current stress level. He's my doctor, and in order to get the best level of care for myself he needed certain information which I'd rather not have disclosed. However, honesty is crucial to me and so he know's all. He advised (though I already knew) that since I've not been practicing any self harming/sabatoging behavior for just over 3 years now, that the stress still has to work it's way out of my system....SOME HOW!? He reminded me of what I'd been told when I had my first heart surgery and device implanted. I need to be in air conditioning during hot and humid weather and should avoid doing any type of physical labor while in the sun. These things are a must/non negotiable. What hadn't been covered or maybe I just don't recall being warned bc of the surgery I had just underwent alone (there was no one at the hospital with me before during or after. No family, friends...no1, although there never is...boo-hoo..oh well) was the effect that stress can, does and will have on a damaged heart. He told me I was so pumped up, stressed out and upset that I'm going to end up having another heart attack over what's been going on at home and just my life in general. He said that my prolonged stress can and will kill me. What other avenue of escape does it have? My heart device is to aid in the PREVENTION of my death, it's NOT a PROMISE that I won't die during an episode! Nor is it a guarantee. WOW! I had wondered about this bc I've not been feeling well at all lately. I'm dizzy a lot, to the point of white out blindness. I've passed out in the heat, while the electric was off, and came to to find I had urinated all over myself in the hallway. Which the Doctor say's this was a WARNING sign! I can't sleep at night, I've been crying which is something I just never do. I take a few steps and am so incredibly fatigued, I'm nausious a lot, I vomit sometimes, I have palpitations constantly (which the pacemaker part of my AICD device is supposed to correct but doesn't always seem to) I was supposed to have surgery this past November to replace the device bc one of the leads may have come loose and the device doesn't appear to be working at it's expected/required capacity. But with all that's going on in this building I was afraid to leave the house for that long. Not to mention recovery was no fun at all and it's so much worse when recovering here! So, I must stick with my original plan this morning: I have to put one foot in front of the other and get myself out of here ASAP. I have to take responsibility for my own happiness and MUST aquire some peace in my life. Because really? What are the chances that the electric will blow again real soon and I'll suffer for hours in unbearable heat and humidity? How much more will he verbally, emotionally and mentally bash and abuse me? How many more people will come up to me like they did this morning and tell me that one of my ex's is gay and has been seen all over doing "things" with his new boyfriend. I need to toughen up this thick skin of mine again. Because after all, who and what are they really? They're definitely not worth losing my life for..................
My mood: a bit blank

The electric has been out for 2 hours now. I'm laying here, can't move. I can barely breathe. It's sooooo hot up here. I already knew I was in hell.....I didn't need this heat and humidity to remind me. I've been laying here in contemplation for the last 2 hours. I just don't know if I've got any fight left in me....no one else cares about me so screw it right? Everytime I've stuck up for myself I've gotten screwed so bad. My electrophysiologist and pulmonologist both say I can't be in this heat and humidity. They say it's "dangerous" for my health. Haha...well could I die now then please? I stopped praying for death about 2 weeks ago. I used to pray to die every night and every morning and at various times thru out the day. It would be easier and much less of a mess if my heart could just stop on its own. Fine, someone smells my lifeless body a few weeks later and what's left of me is thrown into the incinerator or a pine box and thrown into a hole in the ground somewhere. There's no one to bury me. Which is fine, why give the satisfaction of anyone seeing me finally dead! None the less, quite a few have "earned" it. My death is theirs. I'll owe it all to them! I so hope they take pride in their accomplishment when it's finally done....I'm tired of being a survivor. I've been surviving all my life. I've been strong all of my life. That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Well that which doesn't make you stronger will kill you! Me anyway. Its about right bc I've not got much more to give. I give and give and give when I don't even have it to give. It's not that I expect anything in return. It makes me feel good to give. But when I see some of the people I've went out of my way for tripping over others who could really care less for them? Yes it hurts that they didn't even acknowledge me. And the horrible things people say to others who've poured out their heart over someone really hurting them. I wonder how many people actually followed thru and killed themselves after these people were cruel, rotten and downright selfish? The worst part? They really don't care who they've helped kill. If it makes you feel better to say it's not their fault bc maybe you see this trait in yourself and you don't like having to face this sudden responsibility of what you've had a hand in? That's okay! But atleast we BOTH know now that you did have a hand in it. If you can't treat people with kindness and compassion then don't treat them at all. It hurts less to be ignored than it does to be pushed over the edge when you're suicidal. I alwayz wonder when I see a profile on here that hasn't been touched in months/years (and I've seem too many to count!) why that person hasn't returned? Did they just outgrow this place? Did their health fail? They didn't kill themselves did they? I wonder how many actually have. I wish I could have helped them. It's so tragic...it's wrong. The people I've known who've commited suicide didn't deserve that. They were good people who got a raw deal and no one would give them a break. Amazing if you run someone down and kill them with your car and you were drunk: they hold you responsible. THE TONGUE IS THE MOST EVIL, DAMAGING AND DANGEROUS WEAPON THERE IS! Yet very few (some are brought to justice) are held accountable for commiting murder with their evil mouth! Got go can't type1hand now just broke mythumb in window mistake slam down swelled half my hand.damn4sure broke.chexst pains n neighbor just started running mouth@me thru mydoor. 3hours no electric....no fan....no money phone2call4help..yay I deserve my final peace..no more please.noticei nolonger pray2some1whos not there or just decided to ignore me all these years. Pain is worse?thumb or heart I don't kno? My mood: a bit sick

For the past three days Ive been thinking that I could start writing my stories and get them done. I can then leave my username and password with my attorney so that when I do FINALLY die, the certain little someone's whom I love dearly can read them and maybe understand a bit better. I've noticed lately that a lot of my thoughts are about my death though. I haven't cut myself in over 3 years. Even when I think about it I don't allow myself to go grab anything to cut with. I admit I'm a little scared. When I was really wound up or angry, I'd so impulsively grab at anything and turn my head and VIOLENTLY cut the hell out of myself. I don't know HOW the broken glass I've picked up off the ground (I was so ill that I used dirty glass! I of all people know the dangers of this:INFECTION!), razor's, knives, EVERYTHING I've ever used was ALWAYZ dull. I've had some nasty cuts though. I've had staples and stitches. If I went to the ER before I cut and told them I had the urge, I got locked up almost every time. If I had cut myself first and then went, they'd stitch or staple me up and send me on my way. They figure the threat is over bc you've already harmed yourself. I had to go home and cut myself AGAIN one time DEEPER and then go back to the ER to get them to finally admit me. A few months ago I had this stupid idea that I could cut my carpet up by myself. No matter HOW ill I am, there is NO ONE to do ANYTHING for me AT ALL. Wow, it hurts so bad when I allow myself to think about it. However, I did call an old friend at the time. That's the LAST time I've heard from him! He hasn't returned any of my emails, texts or calls anymore so I gave up trying. I called him my Uncle, he's 67 years old. He went to Home Depot on his lunch break and bought me my very own carpet knife! (Years ago I helped my sons' father tear up and lay carpet) Came with 3 additional blades!!! Well, I just found it again. I keep it hidden. Before that I NEVER allowed ANY straight razor's or even a steak knife in my home. I didn't trust myself enough so I couldn't have these things in my home for the past 3 years. The problem is that I think I realized that cutting doesn't solve the original problem that upset me enough to cut myself to begin with. BUT....the alternative to this is just finishing the job! So I promised myself the next time I cut myself I would do the job right. No more looking down at my arms and crying in disbelief over what I've allowed ME to do to MYSELF. It's an undescribable feeling when you realize that after all the years of abuse you've endured at the hands of others, YOU are the one abusing you now! All of the crying, panic, nightmares, flashbacks, shame, breakdowns, bulimia, disorders, anorexia, drugs, alcohol, guilt, suffering, loss, emptiness, self blame, self hatred....and all the rest that goes with it, a rather long list....and now YOU'RE CUTTING YOURSELF? WTF?! When I started this blog I was SO STRESSED I couldn't think straight. Not to mention tired and ill. I got about an hour of sleep AGAIN. I was awaken to the sound of my 9 month old kitty whinning. He's eXTremely spoiled and has his own schedule set for me to feed him when he wants! Lol!!! For the past few weeks he WHINE's and it actually sounds like a childs cries! It could pull at the heart strings of someone who diesnt even like kitties (what's not to like anyway?) He has mastered the pitch and can get it pretty far up there. I knew he was special but he's also quite talented! He can REALLY draaaaaaaaggggg that whine out. It has the same effect on me as a screeching chalk board or a high pitched noise coming from the wheel of one of those shopping carts that only makes left hand turns. He's going to the vet this week and I'm stressing that BIGTIME. OMG, I was SO SICK after this one hour of sleep...I didn't think I'd make it this far this morning. I live in a really small place and it's just not big enough for kitties. I've come to realize. I've got A LOT more than I bargained for. However, I have learned an eXtremely important thing this week: PREVENTION. That word applies to a lot of areas in life! What a "cat" week it's been for me. I've spent SO much money on cat products and SO much TIME researching/reading/looking stuff up/emailing people/talking to vets....long.... LONG week. They're worth EVERY second but can be very challenging when you've got your own disabilities...He's spoiled and act's like a spoiled baby. I can actually say that I KNOW BEYOND THE SHADOW OF A DOUBT, NO QUESTION, that he REALLY loves me! I'm actually LOVED! He is my baby, we lost his father (a HUGE part of my heart/world) in January. Another heartbreaking thing that shouldn't have happened. I'm still not over it. Here it comes again. I can't think about him without crying...STILL. But I'd rather have those memories of him and his amazing love than to never have had him and avoided this heartache all together. Okay, and so it seems I'm going on and on yet again. Well, I think perhaps this may be helpful for me? I dunno but I'm still typing ....Wasn't it a week ago yesterday that I felt the best I've felt in well over a year? I had accomplished 2 things that I've needed/wanted to for the past few years. I remember feeling good that day! Today? Just ANOTHER wasted day. I FINALLY had myself back on a much healthier sleeping schedule. I've suffered from insomnia since I was a child. For over a year now, my system had gotten used to staying awake all night and being able to deal with it enough so that I could start getting ready to leave at 7AM. Now, if I miss sleep at night I feel like worse than a hangover used to feel. It's such an ill feeling. I shake and some times throw up, I get palpitations, I'm dizzy, groggy, in more pain, I can't see too clearly....its a nightmare and a half. Then I take my meds and 5 hours later I fall asleep for a few hours. Do the math there. So when I wake up it's mid to late afternoon and NOTHING is done that should've been (I alwayz do the cats food, fresh water, and refresh the cat box in the morning before I leave. They get their food and water as soon as I get up as most people give their animals!) and this mess up in routine flares up my Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It doesn't help anything else either! I feel SO lost, SO unorganized, SO helpless, SO alone, SO desperate, I'm SUCH a FAILURE! I like to get things done and can't stand it when I can't even count on me! Its sad when you can't even count on yourself. I'm exhausted ALL THE TIME! I feel like garbage ALL THE TIME. PREVENTION! It covers SO MANY things! I need to work with prevention....its key to so many things for me. I'm dizzy now and can't really stand too well. This is what happens with no sleep. I was so used to it and able to handle it. I can't believe how much my system changed in just a few weeks. It also proved beneficial to sleep at night. Last Saturday, the day I accomplished those 2 things and felt better than I had in years, I slept 5 HOURS STRAIGHT and didn't wake up once for the duration! If you knew me you wouldn't believe it! I can't sleep more than 2hours at a time. Most nights I only get 3 hours at the most and can't sleep any more! Its amazing how sleep and lack there of effects us! I have a few things that MUST be done, I better go do them before I'm incapable ....Good news? I'm so tired I'm rendered incapable of dealing with any form of B.S. Right now. That's awesomeness....if that's even a word..not. And so my 3rd blog had wound down....zzzzz.....I should not be posting these things....sharing is probably not the best idea on this one...and so it is....My mood: a bit drained